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گواهینامه Water Regulations Advisory Scheme به معنای طرح مشورتی مقررات آب می باشد و به اختصار WRAS خوانده می شود برای شرکت های فعال در زمینه تصفیه آب
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тук тук я паук,
тук тук я человек паук.

вика

здесь проходила Виктория
это её теретория
если она впереди
лушче вперёд не иди

Ежик ежик
Где ты был.
Я на реске водку пил.

Жена уснула в комнате сына,смотрит
утром sms от мужа
1:22-Ты где?
2:43-Ты где Бл@дь?
4:33-Всё нашёл любимая,спи:!

Жена с любовником лежат в кровати звонок в дверь, а это муж. Жена открывает дверь, мужу
и он видит любовника и спрашивает:"Это кто?". А это мой брат с армии вернулся. Муж и говорит:"Я побежал в магазин, отмечать будем!"

cmeshnie istorii dlya klassa

Над именем Вика

Вика-дура хвост надула и поплыла по реке. Как увидела акулу сразу трусики снела оказалась не акула а 4 пацана.

Вика-дура хвост надула и поплыла по реке. Как увидела акулу сразу трусики снела оказалась не акула а 4 пацана.

Оппочки…
На уроке истории, Вовочка тянет руку. Получив разрешение, спрашивает у учительнице:
- А кто такие "пукалки"?
- Ну, это так называют людей, кторые ругают Путина.
- Тогда кто такие - "оппочки"?
Учительница подвела Вовочку к окну:
- Вот видишь, за окном Солнце светит в голубом небе? Голуби мирно клюют на подоконнике. По улице едут автомобили а по тратуарам идут пешеходы. И... и вдруг - "ОППОЧКИ" - улицу с тротуарами заполняет "Марш Миллионов" подхлестываемый плетьми оппозиции... Оппозиция и есть - "ОППОЧКИ".

1: Пока Славик ходил курить, обучили его Аутлук старословянскому ))
2: Эт как? )
1: Врубили ему автозамену список=свиток, чтобы=дабы, ну и там воистину, ибо и т.д. Главное, чтобы в глаза не бросалось )
1: Так он очень удивился, когда на письмо с фразой "... посему высылаю всем свиток свободных айпишников, не забывайте!" ему стали приходить ответы типа "Челом бьем, боярин! Не прибежал еще со свитком гонец" ))

bash.im

>> Когда-то учился в технаре и был у нас учебник по спецухе.
>> Авторы муж и жена.
>> На обложке так были написаны: авторы-А.Я.Клешня, И.Я.Клешня.

bash.im

Катя: привет,я с уга вернулась!
Ромка: прив!как оно там?
Катя: да замечательно!прикинь,я на нудистском пляже загорала!!!У меня даже фотка одна есть...
Ромка: вах)))Фстудию!
Катя: АГА!Хитрец!Ну ладно,я щас только все прикрой черными квадратиками!!!
Ромка: Ну давай...
Катя: Слуш,я тут не до конца с фотошопом разобралась...В какой формат лучше сохранить?
Ромка: Ну...Конечно же в PSD
Катя: А,хорошо,щас кину!!!
Ромка: Давай,жду с нетерпением!!!!!

bash.im

ххх: почему так долго?
ууу: ты не представляешь какая она тупая! я на нее так орал! матерился на всю улицу. ко мне даже гастарбайтеры подошли, спросили куда щебень разгружать - думали я прораб

bash.im

xxx: Саша, с тебя 300 р.
xxx: Ольге отдашь
yyy: За что?
xxx: на днюху чью-то скидываемся
yyy: Я те по секрету скажу... Это моя днюха

bash.im

xxx: Пару недель назад мой муж, собравшись на просмотр квартир, встретился с агентом - молодой девушкой. Сели к ней в машину и поехали по адресам. Было раннее субботнее утро, мужа мучило похмелье, а еще сильнее - чувство стыда за то, что от его дыхания стекла в машине быстро начали запотевать.
xxx: Но девушке оказалось не лучше - на запотевшем заднем стекле машины отчетливо проявились отпечатки женских ступней.
xxx: Так и ехали, краснея и помалкивая, всю дорогу.

bash.im

Моя бабушка про SKYPE: "Хорошая вещь! Вроде как гостей принимаешь, а кормить их не надо!"

bash.im

eprst2000: Я вот Алеся, но люди очень часто путают и в спешке называют Оксаной. Уже давно привыкла, спокойно отзываюсь на Оксану и никогда не поправляю. Другие люди называют меня Ксюшей. Логика такая: Оксана – это та же Ксюша. Поэтому на Ксюшу я тоже иду спокойно. Недавно работала с китайцами, для них наши имена хуже смерти. Поэтому они называли меня Сергей.

bash.im

eprst2000: Я вот Алеся, но люди очень часто путают и в спешке называют Оксаной. Уже давно привыкла, спокойно отзываюсь на Оксану и никогда не поправляю. Другие люди называют меня Ксюшей. Логика такая: Оксана – это та же Ксюша. Поэтому на Ксюшу я тоже иду спокойно. Недавно работала с китайцами, для них наши имена хуже смерти. Поэтому они называли меня Сергей.

bash.im

Вышли с женой из магазина, а на ступеньках котёнок, няшный весьма.
Жена умилённым голосом,- "Какой хорошенький... Давай ему голову оторвем."
Люди вокруг начали беспокоиться и оборачиваться, пока мы рыбу из пакета не достали.

bash.im

xxx: Володь, представляешь, у меня все группы нормально тест написали, а 342 завалила начисто! Ребята вроде не хуже остальных, забастовка у них что ли...
yyy: орлы, чё! А когда они писали, не с 3 до 5 случайно? )))
xxx: Да, в 15:15 сели, а тебе зачем?
yyy: А я с 3 до 5 роутеры новые ставил, там вайфая не было :), привет студентам! )))

bash.im

Муж купает ребёнка, кричит из ванной:
- Кать, он ест пену!
Через пару минут:
- Кать, она реально вкусная!

Как студенты сдают экзамены:

Первый курс - тихо шелестят шпорами.

Второй курс - достают бомбы.

Третий курс - спокойно списывают прямо с конспекта.

Четвертый - списывают с учебников.

Пятый курс - подходят с учебником к преподу:

- Здесь читать? Нет? Здесь, что ли? Опять нет? Ну тогда сам ищи

Алло, это поликлиника? Вы принимаете анализы по почте?
- Да, но только по электронной

Как это называется, когда ненавидишь женщину, которую любишь?
- Жена.....

Вирішили сусіди своїх дітей засватати, засватали. На другий день Галя каже мамі:
-Я за Івана не піду-в нього вiн маленький ...,
Пішли вони до Іванових батьків проблему вирішувати. :
-У вашого Івана маленький ... , не хоче Галя за нього .
-Ану , Іване, знімай штани, - каже йому мама, зняв Іван, всі :
-Ого-о-о-о-о !!!!!!
- От і я кажу ого , балувана ваша Галя, балувана.....

Падает самолет, стюардеса выходит :
- Уважаемые пассажиры , мы падаем в тихий океан. Сейчас всем раздадут свистки для отпугивания акул.
Два неудачника :
- Не, ну нам всегда, как не у людей будет - или свистка не хватит, или акула глухая попадется ... .

Падает самолет, стюардеса выходит :
- Уважаемые пассажиры , мы падаем в тихий океан. Сейчас всем раздадут свистки для отпугивания акул.
Два неудачника :
- Не, ну нам всегда, как не у людей будет - или свистка не хватит, или акула глухая попадется ... .

- Галю, ти що за Миколу заміж зібралася? У нього ж кривий?-каже Марія .
Через місяць вийшла Марія за Миколу, а Галя питає:
- Ти ж казала , що в нього кривий?
- А ми з мамою подумали - стрілять нам з нього чи що?

Вирішили сусіди своїх дітей засватати, засватали. На другий день Галя каже мамі:
-Я за Івана не піду-в нього маленький ...,
Пішли вони до Іванових батьків проблему вирішувати. :
-У вашого Івана маленький ... , не хоче Галя за нього .
-Ану , Іване, знімай штани, - каже йому мама, зняв Іван, всі :
-Ого-о-о-о-о !!!!!!
- От і я кажу ого , балувана ваша Галя, балувана!

Уберите эти швыре анекдоты не смешные!!!!!!!!!

- Доброго вечора! Дайте, будь-ласка, 20 пачок презервативів!
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- Та ні. Дівчина нормальна...

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"Hello World!": 17 errors, 31 warnings.

Готовой работающей программой называют код, содержащий пока еще не обнаруженные ошибки.

Press any key to continue or any other key to exit.

***

Keyboard not found. Press F1 to continue...

Программиста спрашивают: почему Вы пишете вирусы к порно и не пишите к Хентаю?
-потому что snuff mouvie-это порнофильм, в котором заснято настоящее убийство в реальном масштабе времени, а Хентай- это Искусство.

...А где-то дети гибнут , те , не эти
Чуть-чуть задуматься, хоть вниз с обрыва
А жить-то надо, надо жить краси-и-и-во...
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Скайп: Meshkov150

-дорогой,к нам приедет моя мама!!!
-какого...???
-Числа или х...?

Как-то к учителю-полиглоту на частный урок пришла ученица, одетая в шорты и футболку. На футболке разные надписи.
- Ну что за мода в девушек носить футболки с разными надписями! - возмутился учитель.
- Вам что, не нравится? Это же прикольно!
- Прикольно, - иронизировал учитель, - это, когда на свадебных платьях было бы что-то написано. Например: «Не беременная».

Как-то один ученик попросил совета в учителя-полиглота Олега Паламарчука:
- Что бы вы мне посоветовали купить девушке на день рождения?
- Ну, купи набор косметики для современной девушки: помаду, тени, ножницы, пилочки и Adobe Photoshop.

-чим відрізняється блондинка від комара
-тим як блондинка сосе нетреба гладити

По милому лицу мелькнула тень,
И вспыхнул взгляд, такой обычно кроткий.
Последнее, что помню в этот день,
Был черный диск чугунной сковородки.

Весело встретил 8 Марта таксист Мамедов. Увидев одиноко идущую девушку, он предложил ей бесплатный проезд!

Девушка из вежливости отказалась. Но личное обаяние... и монтировка Мамедова помогли преодолеть девичью скромность!

Муж застаёт жену в постели с любовником:

- Что он делает в нашей постели?!

Жена (блаженно): - Чудеса...

Йде собі порядний вуйко Львовом, гуляє.

Проходить повз бордель, раптом чує якийсь ґвалт згори. Підіймає голову - там на даху борделя коти злягаються. Котяри зрештою так захопились, що зісковзнули з даху й гепнулись просто перед вуйком, так їх разом і заціпило...

Вуйко пригладив вуса, підняв котячу парочку обережно, і ввічливо стукає у двері борделю.

Відкриває така добряча пишна цьотка, рази у півтора більша за вуйка, і дивиться на нього.

Вуйко простягає їй котів і чемно каже: „Вибачте, пані старша курво, у вас тут реклямка з даху впала...”

Эротические сны с участием коллег благоприятно влияют на атмосферу в коллективе, формируют лояльность друг к другу и усиливают корпоративный дух...

*****

Чтобы доставить женщине удовольствие в постели, оставьте её одну - пусть выспится!

*****

Любовник - это пиратская копия мужа... иногда даже конец другой.


*****

- Как это называется, когда ненавидишь женщину, которую любишь?
- Жена.


*****

Заказчик строителю: - А не слишком ли тонкие стены?
- Нормальные, ещё ведь обои будут.


*****

- Скажите, я могу стать фотомоделью?
- Нет, только фотороботом.

*****

Отец - сыну:
- Тебе всего 15 лет, а ты уже куришь. Да я в твои годы,- подумав, - а впpочем, кури, кури...

*****

Звонок в дверь. Стоят двое:
- Здравствуйте, мы - Свидетели Иеговы!
- Да? А что, у него свадьба?

*****

- Алло, это поликлиника? Вы принимаете анализы по почте?
- Да, но только по электронной.

*****

- Сема, вы еврей?
- А что, что-то случилось?

*****

- При хорошей погоде прогуляться в лес - одно удовольствие!
- А с девушкой - два удовольствия!

*****

- Мадам, что я должен дать Вам, чтобы добиться Вашей любви?
- Наркоз.

*****

- Скажите, а вы обманываете свою жену?
- Ну, конечно. А кого же еще?

*****

- А сейчас перед вами выступит знаменитый певец Хулио Иглесиас, что в
переводе означает “Ну что же ты, Иглесиас...”

У одного Хаима родился сын,дурак-дураком. Не поверите, но такое бывает..... В положенное время отдал папа сына в ешиву, учиться уму-разуму. Через две недели раввин самолично привозит сынка к отцу и говорит:

- Слушай, Хаим! Ты - еврей и я еврей, мы оба евреи ... Но не могу я ... Такого идиота и лентяя свет еще не видывал... Я отказываюсь учить его и всем заказал с твоим Давидкой дело иметь.

Хаим в панике. Повез Давидку в церковь, на обучение. Поп поморщился, но парня принял, деньги вперед взял.

Неделя проходит, две, месяц... Тишина. Еврейский папа не выдержал. Собрал гостинцы, поехал сына навестить.

Поп на крыльце, довольный такой стоит, Давидка мухой летает, двор убирает, в коровник бежит, только пыль в разные стороны ...

Хаим спрашивает:

- Ну, как?

- Слушай, Хаим... Честно сказать, не любил я вас... А сейчас мнение переменил, хорошие вы люди. Сынок твой - вообще прелесть, не нарадуюсь. У меня такой сын был бы - гордился бы.

Хаим в полной прострации, отзывает сына в сторону:

- В чем дело, сынок????

- Папа, ты не поверишь... Зашел я в церковь, а там на стене еврей прибитый висит, и я понял, что эти люди шутить не будут.

- Что-то вы мне не нравитесь...

- Да и вы, доктор, не красавец...

Успешный мужчина - тот, кто зарабатывает больше денег, чем может потратить его жена.

Инструкция - это бумага, которую обычно читают в двух случаях:

1. Когда нечего читать.

2. Когда уже все сломано.

Как студенты сдают экзамены:

Первый курс - тихо шелестят шпорами.

Второй курс - достают бомбы.

Третий курс - спокойно списывают прямо с конспекта.

Четвертый - списывают с учебников.

Пятый курс - подходят с учебником к преподу:

- Здесь читать? Нет? Здесь, что ли? Опять нет? Ну тогда сам ищи!

Встречаются две жены олигархов и одна другой говорит:

- Ты знаешь, у твоего мужа есть любовница!

А другая ей отвечает:

- Да, знаю конечно. С нашими доходами мы теперь можем себе это позволить!

Папа с маленьким сыном идут, и сынок канючит всё время:

- Пап! Хочу эскимо! Хочу эскимо!..

Папа останавливается и говорит:

- Сынок, и я хочу эскимо! Но денег у нас с тобой только на водку!

Офис.
С утра офисные сотрудники в спешке передвигают мебель с места на место, выравнивают все по сантиметру, компасу и т.д. Посредине всего этого хаотичного движения стоит старенькая уборщица в обнимку со шваброй, испуганно смотрит на все это действо. Бормочет про себя :"Только помыла, сейчас все опять затопчут, ироды и т. д.".
Стояла долго смотрела на все это, потом спрашивает:
- Милые, а что вы тут делаете? Переезжаете?
- Да нет, бабуля,мы сейчас мебель по фен-шую передвинем и у нас сразу продажи взлетят до небес.
- Сынки, я тут давно уже работаю, еще до революции полы в этом здании мыла. Так вот, до революции тут публичный дом был. Так там, когда выручка падала, кровати не переставляли.

4 часа ночи звонок в дверь открывает муж на пороге жена пьяная в рваных колготках одном туфле...

- И ты думаешь я тебя такую пущу домой?!!

- Нах@й надо! Я за гитарой

После итоговой пресс-конференции с участием интернет-пользователей Президент Украины Виктор Ющенко говорит своему пресс-секретарю Ирине Ванниковой:

- Ирина, срочно найди того умника, который задал вопрос о том, сколько мне надо доплатить, чтобы я уехал из страны!

- Найти и посадить, Виктор Андреевич?

- Конечно, нет! Выяснить это было деловое предложение или просто стеб?..

Двое в постели. Раздается телефонный звонок.

Женщина берет трубку, слушает и бросает:

- Звонил муж - сказал, что он с тобой на рыбалке...

Утром Банкира на работу забирает новый водитель. Банкир - водителю:

- Как фамилия?

- Вам меня по фамилии не удобно будет называть, лучше по имени - Вася!

- Вот еще, я всегда водителей по фамилии называю... А что за фамилия?

- Любимый.

Банкир:

- Так, ВАСЯ, поехали уже, опаздываем.

Мужик пошел в общественную баню. Помылся, выходит и тут обнаруживает, что забыл полотенце...

Он рассеяно оглядывается по сторонам, и тут видит табличку "занавесками не вытираться".

- Кхм, а это мысль!

С кем спит мужчина за всю свою жизнь:

До 5- с соской,
С 5-10 с мишкой,
С 10-15- с книжкой,
С 15-20- с мечтой,
С 20-30- с женой,
С 30-40- с чужой,
С 40-50- с любой,
С 50-60- с грелкой,
С 60-70- с закрытой форточкой!

Комиссия в тюрьме. Приезжают - все ворота открыты, камер слежения нет, двери на распашку, охраны нет, а заключенные послушно сидят в камерах.

- Как так у других охрана, система слежения, забор под током и убегают. Что вы сделали?

- Провели им интернет.

Разговор в прокуратуре.

- Вы брали взятки?

- Брал.

- Один?

- Один.

- Много взяли?

- Ну, как вам сказать...

- На двоих хватит?

Замужняя женщина жалуется подруге:

- Ну за что меня муж бъет? Стираю, глажу, готовлю все свежее, в доме ни пылинки, дети отличники...

- Подгуливаешь?

- Ну, разве только за это...

- Ех... три тижні не було жінки... Т-Р-И ТИЖНІ не було жінки!!!

- У тебе ж дружина є????

- Ну ти, блін, ще б маму пригадав!!!

Приходит дизайнер к психиатру и говорит:

- Доктор, я больше не могу, всюду эти шрифты, шрифты, шрифты.

А он отвечает:

- Не волнуйтесь, сядьте, выпейте чаю, да съешьте ещё этих мягких французских булок

Те, у кого есть и мозги, и связи идут в бизнес;

те, у кого есть мозги, но нет связей - в науку;

те, у кого есть связи, но нет мозгов - в политику!

Летит самолёт, тут в салон из кабины пилотов выходит мужик с пистолетом и объявляет:

- Дамы и господа, я захватил самолёт. ...Можете курить.

Мама учит дочку, которая недавно вышла замуж :

никогда не спорь с мужем - сразу же закатывай истерику.

Директриса Института красоты объясняет пожилой актрисе, которая пожелала обновить свое лицо:

- Если наша работа вас не удовлетворит, мы гарантируем вам полный возврат...

- Моих денег?

- Нет, ваших морщин!

В аптеке:

- Девушка, дайте пожалуйста таблетки для похудения.

- Женщина, я 5 минут назад продала вам 10 пачек!

- Я не наелась...

Приходит мужик в магазин, спрашивает:

- Какая рыба у вас есть?

Продавец:

- Селедка.

- А еще есть какая-нибудь?

- Нет. Понимаете, в связи с кризисом транспорта нет, бензина нет...

- А эта скотина что, на такси добралась, что ли?

Гаишник тормозит машину и, улыбаясь, смотрит на водителя, который немного не в себе, и в предвкушении наживы говорит:

- Ой, какие у нас глазки! А ну-ка пойдем дунем!

Водитель:

-Hе-е-е, мне на седня уже хватит.

Встретились два друга детства, и один спрашивает другого:

- Вот ты очень богатый человек. Но разве деньги тебя чему-нибудь научили?

- Конечно. Я понял очень важную вещь.

- Какую же?

- Вот послушай. Я обожаю парусный спорт. Купил роскошную яхту, а она наскочила на скалы и утонула. Я купил себе спортивный самолет, а он загорелся в воздухе, и я едва успел выпрыгнуть с парашютом. Я женился на самой красивой женщине города, а через неделю застал её в постели с другим.

- Так что ты понял-то?

- Я понял, что если что-то плавает, летает или трахается, то этим надо пользоваться от души, но не надо пытаться стать его владельцем.

-Как с английского переводится "I don`t know"?

- "Я не знаю."

- Блин! Никто не знает...

Молодой муж с упреком говорит жене:

- Теперь, когда мы женаты уже десять дней, позволь мне указать на некоторые твои недостатки.

- Не трудись! Если бы их у меня не было, то я бы нашла кого-нибудь получше тебя.

Слишком застенчивый молодой человек пришел к врачу-венерологу и говорит:

- Вы знаете, доктор, один мой знакомый наверное заболел венерической болезнью.

Доктор:

- Хорошо, спускайте штаны и показывайте своего знакомого...

- У меня девушка такая некрасивая, плакать хочется

- А как же ты с ней спишь?

- Как, как? Ебу и плачу

Заходит бизнесмен в офис с группой иностранцев и говорит секретарю:
- Ирочка, мне пожалуйста кофе, а этим трем пидopaм - кефир!!!
Голос из группы:
- Двум пидopaм. Я переводчик.

Звонок в семье Мандельштейнов.
- Алло, мама, здравствуй. У меня хорошие новости.
- Да, дорогой?..
- Вы с папой всегда беспокоились по поводу моей склонности к
гомосексуализму. Так вот, у меня теперь очаровательная девушка...
- Да, как славно! Но... Наверное, какая-нибудь шикса?
- Нет, она из хорошей еврейской семьи.
- Ну, наверно, бедная, как церковная мышь?
- Нет, семья с Беверли-Хиллс, очень обеспеченная. Ее зовут Моника Левински.
Мать (после паузы):
Сынок, а с тем симпатичным негром ты окончательно расстался?

Вот смотрю телевизор. По куче каналов крутой мужик с усиками очень плохо говорит слово; сосис. Подскажите ему адрес хорошего логопеда.

"Молодому писателю требуется опытная секретарша".

Прошло 20 лет.

"Опытному писателю требуется молодая секретарша"

Стоять двоє чоловіків, повз них проходить сексуальна жінка.
Один іншого запитує:
"Ти з нею спав?".
"Ні. А ти?".
"Ні".
"От бл*ь"

Идет суд. Судят хирурга, изнасиловавшего уборщицу. Судья спрашивает хирурга:

- Как вы могли так сделать с бедной женщиной? Вы, уважаемый врач!!!

- А что я? Я бедный врач, я так много работаю, трое суток не спал, руки в крови... Мне нужна была разрядка, я увидел что-то стоит - вот и воспользовался... да и не сопротивлялась она.

- Дорогая женщина - расскажите, что вы думаете об этом?
- Я помыла первый этаж, помыла второй. Пошла на третий, нагнулась, выжимаю тряпку - и тут сзади как...
- Вы не могли убежать?!!
- Куда, по мытому???!!!

Помирає стара бабця.

ЇЇ дід викликає лікаря: "Допоможіть моїй старій,благаю!"

А лікар каже :"Тільки один є засіб,трахни бабу і буде вона ,як нова.

Дід обурюється: "Я вже старий, в мене Ленін на руках помер!"

Але ж робить як лікар призначив, А на ранок баба пісні співає, пританцьвує, їсти діду наварила......

Дід дивиться на неї та до нього доходить думка; "А я ж міг так Леніна врятувути--и-и-и-и-и-и-и!!!!!!!!!!!"

Украинская деревня, ночь.
Мужик под окном хаты (шопотом):
- Мыкола!
оттуда(сдавленный шопот)
- Чеее?
- Выходь!
- Зачем?
- Я тут горилки припас, галушки пожарил, грибочки, огурчики, выпьем!
- Та не можу!
- а че???
- Та ебусь я, будь оно неладно!!!

А переверни папа Карло полено вверх ногами и все могло бы быть совсем по-другому" - грустила Мальвина, глядя на длинный нос Буратино"

Если мужчина четыре раза сходит налево, то, по законам геометрии, он вернется домой.

Здоровый сон не только продлевает жизнь, но и сокращает рабочий день.

Женщина почти беспомощна, пока у неё не высохли накрашенные ногти...

Занятие ерундой на рабочем месте развивает боковое зрение, слух и бдительность в целом!

Больше всего врут перед выборами, сексом и после рыбалки.

Существуют 2 способа, как управлять женщиной, но их никто не знает.

Не стоит бегать от снайпера - умрешь уставшим...

Если тебе плюют в спину - значит, ты впереди.

Одна голова - хорошо, а две уже некрасиво!

Если на Вас упало яблоко - удирайте как можно скорее: яблоня от яблока недалеко падает.

Настоящая женщина должна в жизни сделать 3 вещи, а не зацикливаться, как дура, на шубе.

Там, где заканчивается полоса неудач, начинается территория кладбища.

Если руки золотые, то не важно, откуда они растут.

Если вы, посмотрев в зеркало, никого там не увидели. Значит, вы неотразимы!

Только сядешь поработать, обязательно кто-нибудь разбудит.

Обходя разложенные грабли - ты теряешь драгоценный ОПЫТ!!!

Жизнь удалась, если коньяк, который мы пьем, старше женщин, с которыми мы спим.

Умна та женщина, в обществе которой можно вести себя как угодно глупо.

Одиночество - это когда ты всегда знаешь, где лежат твои вещи.

Второй брак - это победа надежды над здравым смыслом.

Ничего страшного, если над тобой смеются... Гораздо хуже, когда над тобой плачут...

Утро - это такая часть суток, когда завидуешь безработным...

Детская мудрость: если мама смеется над остротами папы, значит, в доме гости.

Если женщина вас обманывает, значит, вы ей небезразличны.

Сидит мужик, ловит рыбу. Рядом с ним сидит его пёс. Вдруг из воды выныривает корова, и человеческим голосом говорит:
-Мужик, закурить не найдётся?
Мужик офигевши отвечает:
-Нет!?
Корова ныряет обратно и уплывает. Мужик с удивлением смотрит в воду, а потом на собаку. А собака ему человеческим голосом отвечает:
-А что я, я сама офигела.

Летят две вороны на дозвуковой скорости:
- Стена!
- Вижу.
Шмяк-шмяк.
Летят две вороны на сверхзвуковой скорости:
- Стена!
Шмяк.
- Вижу.
Шмяк.
Летят две вороны на гиперзвуковой скорости:
Шмяк-шмяк.
- Вижу.
- Стена!

Муж возвpатясь домой застал любовника, котоpый тут же бpосился бежать пpочь.
Муж:
- Вот невоспитанность! Hи мне - здpавствуйте, ни жене - спасибо, ни нам обоим - до свидания...

Упитанная блондинка путешествует по Индии. Экскурсовод показывает на толпу истощенных нищих:
- Вот, посмотрите, некоторые из этих людей не ели ничего почти неделю!
Блондинка, с уважением:
- Мне бы такую волю!

Заходит бизнесмен в офис с группой иностранцев и говорит секретарю:
- Ирочка, мне пожалуйста кофе, а этим трем пидopaм - кефир!!!
Голос из группы:
- Двум пидopaм. Я переводчик.

Около травматологического пункта перебинтованные супруги остановили такси. Сели в машину, просят шофера:
- Только не гоните, пожалуйста. А то вчера нам достался такой лихач, что мы попали в аварию.
Таксист радостно оборачивается:
- Ой, а я вас не узнал!

Штирлиц подошел к явочной квартире и увидел на двери плакат: "Явка провалена".

- Да, - подумал Штирлиц, - явка действительно провалена. Раньше было написано просто: "Явка".

Звонок на радио:
- Включите, пожалуйста, специально для моей девушки Лены песню "Я люблю тебя, Марина, все сильней день ото дня!"

Женскими учёными доказано, что 70% мужчин - сволочи, 20% - козлы и 40% - извращенцы
ну, с цифрами где-то напортачили, а так всё верно.

Антивирусная программа:
Внимание обнаружен вирус!!! Че делать?
- Вылечить
- Переместить
- Удалить
- Игнорировать
- Послать другу!

Антивирусная программа:
Внимание обнаружен вирус!!! Че делать?
- Вылечить
- Переместить
- Удалить
- Игнорировать
- Послать другу!

Антивирусная программа:
Внимание обнаружен вирус!!! Че делать?
- Вылечить
- Переместить
- Удалить
- Игнорировать
- Послать другу!

На пляже сидела женщина сомнительного поведения. Скоро вокруг нее собралась толпа сомневающихся.

Если ребёнок слушает родителей, то, видимо, он думает о чём-то о своём.
Если жена слушает мужа, то, видимо, он говорит о повышении зарплаты.
Если муж слушает жену, то, видимо, футбол уже кончился, а новости ещё не начались.
Если тёща слушает зятя, то, видимо, это чужой зять.
Если зять слушает тёщу, то, видимо, он работает в ФСБ.

Партнеры

Анекдот
Анекдоты

Интуиция - поразительное чутье, подсказывающее женщине, что она права, независимо от того, права она или нет.

Лирика

Одиночество – друг навсегда,
Рука об руку с ним мы идём...
Каждый день хоть одна, но беда
И поверь мне, ты здесь не причём!
Ты поставил на сердце крест,
Ты поставил в душе пароль
Выбор, да, он у каждого есть
Выбор есть... А ты играй свою роль!
Одиночество шепчет мне:
«Ты подруга ему пойми!»
Сердце замерло... Это к войне...
Ни твоей, ни моей нет вины
Ты, наверно, уже не простишь меня
За нелепую роль мою,
Но давно для себя всё решила я:
Я тебя не как друга люблю!

Счетчики (ссылки) 1609

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